9 Years of Circles

This was the reading at Illuminate on May 3. It includes many fragments from my journals from the last 9 years. Just so you know, four days after the last entry was the day Mark and I finally turned our spiritual circle into a spiritual journey...seizing an amazing opportunity to follow God's lead. It's interesting to see how even though I felt like I was going in circles for 9 years, God was still quietly leading me to this point.


9 Years of Circles

January 2000
I feel lost. I have no motivation and I do not do the things I know I should. I should be spending time praying and reading Your word daily, but I don’t.

July 31, 2002
I am a selfish person. I say that I follow God, but do I really? I really don’t consult God about the decisions I’m making in my life. I do what I want to do and expect God to follow me.

February 2003
Father, I love You. You are so loving, so magnificent, so forgiving, so patient, and so wise. I don’t know why I don’t come to You in prayer everyday. I think about You all the time, but thinking is different than seeking, trusting, and knowing You…I know I will never be worthy of You, but You still offer me so much, even in my spiritual laziness. You are so good to me!

February 26, 2003
Do I love Jesus? Of course, I do. Do I love Him, or anyone, the way He loves me? No. If I did, then my life would be a sacrifice. I would be sharing Jesus openly with everyone, not worrying about my reputation. I should be laying my life down for my most trusted friend, Jesus. I should be putting my life on the line for Him. Why am I so timid and cowardly?

March 2, 2003
I’ve felt separated from God for a long time. I’m fully aware (and was the whole time) that it is me, not God, that caused this separation. However, I also know that God has been watching me and waiting for me to devote my whole being to Him.

March 17, 2003
I do not want to be a luke warm Christian that thinks only of my own salvation. I want to make a difference for You on earth.

April 28, 2003
I feel like I’ve been working on the same spiritual goals for 5 years.

July 27, 2003
Father, I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to obey You with all my heart and life. I want everyone I encounter to see Your awesome love through me.

January 18, 2005
Please forgive me for continuing to let my life be too busy and lazy for quality time with You. No wonder I feel lost – I’m not taking advantage of Your wisdom and guidance.

September 5, 2006
Where will I be 10 years from now? I may be in the same house with the same job and going to the same church. Even with my innate desire for change, that will be okay. However, if I am the same spiritually, I will have wasted 10 years of my life. I pray that 10 years from now I will be 10 years wiser, 10 years more knowledgeable, and 10 years closer to being the person I’ve always wanted to be. Who is that person? Someone who has no fear of the world. Someone who can trust God at all times. Someone who is strong enough to share the truth with the world. Someone who lives God’s word daily.

March 18, 2009
What is God’s will for my life? I’m still going in circles. What will happen if I seize every opportunity? What will happen if I don’t?